It was shared by a friend of mine. It's really sad towards the end..
It's quite lengthy but worth reading.
Prologue -
“Good morning. May I see the doctors later when they
come for their rounding?” It was 6 am and I was there at the Critical Care Unit
looking at a nurse with my blood shot red eyes. “ Sure, but you have to wait.
They will come only around 8am.” “ Yes, sure. I will be outside waiting. Erhm…
They haven’t done the endotracheal I suppose?”
“Not yet.” “Please ask them not to do it. I actually
signed the consent form yesterday. I hope it is not a problem.” “No, not at
all.” She checked some notes and quickly scribbled something. Looked up at me
and told me to wait outside.
I walked back to the corridor. Sat, hugging my bag.
Tear rolling down my cheeks.
I met him a month after we started to chat. It was
ridiculous, especially after you have been hurt once. This guy showed deep
interest in me. I kept saying no and it is not worth it. Yet, he said he will
come and meet me up. Said, that is the only way to convince me. I smiled over
the phone, thinking of his ridiculously cute approach to win my heart. Finally,
I agreed.
Deciding to meet up at the center of the town, I
parked my father’s car and walked towards him. We saw each other from far. My
heart fluttered, butterflies flying in stomach. I knew instantly this is the
guy I would love to spend my whole life with. Such fatherly face he had. So
much of love in his eyes. Rather than coming to convince him that it was a bad
idea, darn I just ended up falling head over heels over a man I just met.
It took us 3 whole years to convince my parents.
That was how long we waited to get approval from my side. I understood very
well what my parents especially my dad thought. He clearly told me off. “If you
really want to marry him, than get out from the house. Don’t you come back even
if I die.” I looked up at him right through his eyes and walked away. Asked
myself if he really thought I would do that. After seeing him work so hard for
the family, will I still be able to do just that? No. So I waited.
Finally, one fine day, he gave up. And he agreed for
us to be married. I guess it was the pressure given by his relatives and
friends as I was growing “old” . I was only 27. That year, 2008 finally my
husband and I we managed to register our marriage. We held our very simple yet
memorable wedding at the end of 2008.
By that time, I learned many things from him. He was
always the patient man. Teaching and preaching me with his love and care. Being
married to him, working, taking care of him. It was scary. The responsibilities
did burn me.
Due to his spine problem he could not work. But like what Hitler
said, before taking a decision you can think about it 1000 times, yet after you
have decided do not complaint of the difficulties and challenges you face due
to the decision you have made. True. I was happy enough that he gave me all his
love. That he was a true man. He exposed me to a different life and showed me
life is not always what I see from my view. There is always another side to
look at any situation.
His situation was getting worse. His severe diabetic
and pressure was slowly killing him. No matter what solution I found, they were
not a solution at all. It was eating him up slowly. Added on with his spine
problem, he always will mention to me with a smile on his face “ I am a walking
time bomb”.
Many times, he said he regrets marrying me and
putting me in such a troubled position. I will reassure him that it was my
decision to accept him into my life despite knowing of his illness. It was
something he told me on the first day of meeting itself. Yet, I agreed.
Despite of his illness, he was a man full of humour.
He always made everyone around him laugh. No matter how down his friends were,
he will motivate them. Be it a 5 year old child to a 70 year old man, everyone
loved him. And I was the proud wife of his, always being by his side. He gave
loads of brilliant business ideas to his friends.
And he will come back and tell me how bad he feels
that as fast as his brain works, his body can’t do the same. I will hug him
those days when he really feels down, because I know how bad he felt me being
the family breadwinner .
Every single night from the day we got married till
the day he was unconscious, there was no one night he will sleep without saying
‘I love you’. He always reminded me to do the same. Whatever arguments we have
must be resolved on that day itself, or just drop it. Never begin the next day
continuing the same issue. Reason? It sounded very simple yet how deep can it
go? “What if I don’t wake up the next day? What if there are words left
unsaid?”
Whenever I am down due to the various problems we
had despite our happy marriage, he will hug me and say “ this too will pass my
dear.” He was my backbone and pillar of strength. That was what I told him all
the time. He was my best friend, my greatest critic, my worst enemy and the person
who understood me the most.
Being married for 3 years, we had walked in and out
of hospitals too many times. He was admitted nearly 10 times. Yet, I never
shared any of these with my parents. As they felt that they had completed a big
responsibility and everything was over between us. We did go back to visit them
from time to time. Yet, it was always not a warm welcome.
As his condition was getting bad very close to
Deepavali of 2011, I asked him to consult a doctor. Yet, he brushed it aside
and said he will go see one after the celebration. On 29th of October 2011,
exactly ten days after celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary, his breathing
problem became worse, and he alerted me to take him to the emergency ward.
He wanted me to be by his side, but the policy was
that if the patient is conscious, no one else will be allowed to enter the
ward. I waited outside, thinking that it will be a routine event. He will be
fine, maybe admitted few days and be back to me. He called me saying that he
was being sent for x-ray. After back from there, he called me again saying his
back in the emergency ward. After that, for about 30 minutes which felt like 3
hours there was no news from him. No doctors came out to ask me or tell me
anything. I was becoming restless.
Suddenly a doctor came calling me. As I walked into
the emergency ward, I still couldn’t see him. Yet, looking at the trainee
doctor’s face I knew something was wrong. Something was very wrong.
“Did you come alone?”
“Yes, it is only me and him.”
“Maam, I think you should call someone to be here
with you.”
I stared at the doctor who was quite young. With a
paper and pen in his hand, he looked at me with a very worried face and
explained.
“Your husband, he collapsed after his x-ray. It took
us 15 minutes of CPR to bring him back. But he is weak. We are putting him on
machine.”
Tear rolled down. I could not believe what I was
listening to. And I quickly peeped through the closed curtains. My goodness. He
was lying there unconscious. There were tubes everywhere. As much as I wanted
to go near him to wake him up, I couldn’t. I was frozen.
“Maam… please. Do call someone to be here.” He was
looking at me when the Specialist Doctor walked out and asked if he had
informed me everything.
The first person came to my mind was a friend of his
who just visited him a few hours before that. “Kantha is serious. He is in the
emergency ward. Please come visit him. Please inform whoever you can.”
“But… he was fine when I saw him.”
“No, he is not. Please come.”
I continued to call some of his friends and
relatives. I thanked God at that time that my parents were far away in my
hometown and his parents had long passed away.
“Maam, you have to sign this. We are going to take
him to the ICU now. Fix him to a breathing machine.”
Another doctor came out and said that they have to
take him to the CCU, not the ICU because his situation was quite bad.
I went with them to the CCU. Nurses told me what are
the things I should buy and bring later. I waited there for a while and after
some of his friends and relatives came I explained the whole situation. I went
back home and took a quick shower. We only had a poodle dog, no child on our
own. As it was very close to us, I talked to him, saying that his ‘father’ is
not well and won’t be home for few days.
I got the items the nurses wanted from a pharmacy
and rushed back to the hospital. Nurses told me to come back in the morning to
get full explanation from the doctors. I sat there for a while, looking at him.
But I could not bear it anymore looking at him in such situation. I sat
outside, I controlled my tears. I was his iron lady, as he always called me. I
should not cry in front of anyone.
The next morning, the doctors explained his
situation. He was under morphine and depending on the machine to breath. Dialysis
was done but it was not successful as the toxin rate was quite high in his
body. The doctor kept reminding me that 15 minutes is far too long for a human
being not getting oxygen to his brain. “Even if he manages to come back, don’t
expect him to be as how he used to be”. I could never forget those words.
I kept visiting him. The admins at my working place
were very understanding. They allowed me to leave an hour before the visiting
hours at hospital. I will sit outside waiting to go in. But after going in, I
will quickly come out. I had never seen him in such condition. Unconscious . I
will sit at the lobby till 5pm. Again I will do the same thing. Will go in and
see him just to come back and sit outside at the corridor. His relatives and
friends will come and talk to me. My hope of seeing any change in him was going
down.
I will come back home and cry alone. I only told my
parents the second day that he was unconscious and it happened suddenly. There
was no use telling the details.
The third day, I looked at his eyes. They seemed so
lifeless. I went near to him and whispered. “ Let go and don’t fight. I can
take care of myself. You are suffering. I will be fine.”
My friend will fetch me to temple. Sometimes she
will go to temple to pray on my behalf.
The only thing I prayed was, “if it is his time to
go, please take him peacefully. Don’t let him suffer anymore. He had suffered
enough.”
On the fourth day, the doctor told me that CT scan
showed his brain is swollen severely due to lack of oxygen for fifteen minutes.
In a haste I signed the forms for them to do the endotracheal.
That night, I was sleepless. I knew the days he had
been unconscious had awaken me. I was not my usual self. Everything he used to
teach me, I was only beginning to practice them. I was calmer. I was thinking,
judging every possible reaction that I might face. And then I decided.
“Miss, the doctors are here. You can talk to them.”
I looked at the nurse and walked into the CCU. One
last time, I told myself.
“ I wish to take him back home”
“Are you sure? Don’t you have anyone else to discuss
with?”
“Yes, please. I am his wife. I am the one who
decides on his behalf.” His words kept ringing in my ears.”
Remember…if
anything happens to me, you should decide. Don’t ever let anyone else decide.
You are the one who had been with me at all good and bad times.”
“I need to let him go in peace. Please.”
All the junior doctors were watching me. I didn’t
know how many pair of eyes was watching me there as I finally broke down.
“Sure. Nurse, please prepare discharge letter from
Mr. Subramaniam. Try to get an ambulance please.”
I walked near to him. “ I am sorry baby. This is the
best I can do for you as a wife. You should leave in peace. Remember that I
will always be fine. “
The nurses asked few things while preparing the
documents. They told me ambulance will only be available around 8pm. I was fine
with it. Needed to get back to the house, and prepare his bed. I signed
everywhere the nurses asked me to do so. They looked at me and one asked me to
be strong.
I knew many will be angry and upset with my
decision. Yet all I could do is to go on.
I went to my working place to inform and apply for
leave. I went back home cleaned up the bed we used to sleep in. He always loved
the room and the bed.
That night, 3rd November 2011, he was sent by the
ambulance driver who was also a M.A. Somehow the stretcher couldn’t fit into
the lift and nearly 8 of his friends carried him 6 floors up. The oxygen
bagging was removed after I agreed. We were all there. We were around him.
Everyone who loved him, everyone that he loved were around him.
I was given some time to be alone with him. I cried
as much as I can but reassured him that I will be fine. I let our dog lick him
once last time. They were very close. Like father and son.
He passed away peacefully around 10 p.m. My worried
father looked at me. I asked him to sit and relax. Everything was done very
quickly and accurately.
The funeral was on the next day. It was a huge crowd
for a man who was only 36 years old. Everyone remember him as the lovable
person. A strong man and a wonderful friend. Everyone misses him even now.
He taught me many things and I do practice them now.
It is never too late for anything.
Every newly married couple I know gets the same
piece of advice from me.
Never go to bed with a misunderstanding. Solve it.
Don’t go to bed with the intention of continuing the argument tomorrow. If you
can’t resolve it, then don’t talk about it anymore. We never know who will be
with us and for how long they will be with us. Say what you need to say at the
right time. And love with all of your heart.
To everyone who stood by me throughout my ordeal,
both directly or indirectly Thank You.
Thank you is not enough, but that is all I have.
Moral of the story;
p/s: All credit goes to the writer. Such a remarkable couple.
https://www.facebook.com/cgmyjourney
